Adeo Ressi

I wrote a well-regarded poker group of the following message. Call it humor in the face of danger…

Sunday, March 16, 2008 – NEW YORK – In an unexpected move, a rouge group of poker playing wannabes, has-beens, and rich kids from New York has purchased the fifth largest brokerage, Bear Stearns. The $2 per share deal was formulated, offered, accepted, and approved by the Fed in a record period of time, just fifteen minutes between 8:04 PM and 8:19 PM Eastern Standard Time.

XXX“no show” XXX and XXX “the slick” XXX vied to make the first public comment. “The share price was less than the single blind in a low stakes game, and that’s all I needed to hear,” stated Mr. XXX from his father’s remote island, renown for the location of human genetic experimentation.  “Owning a bank is blown. Wait until my dad hears.”

The economist of the group, XXX, also the son of someone famous, added “when buying a top five brokerage is cheaper than re-financing your home equity loan, then you know there is a strong buy opportunity and the market is poised to turn. We feel that we are buying Bear right at the bottom of the bear, if you know what I mean.”

Mr. XXX adds, “That Madison office is already being converted to a Schrager hotel. We call it pimping the assets. All of the secretaries have a new boss as of Monday morning.”

Exact details of the transaction are still being assembled. Initial reports suggest that a series of Bear Stearns bankers and Fed agents were eating at a long-time Mafia establishment, XXX, after all discussions on saving the business from collapse had come to a standstill. Long-time group poker player, XXX, confused them for a series of ex-cons and gangsters that regularly play poker as part of a separate group in the facility,  calling them by racial slurs and taunts. One of the bankers, apparently overwhelmed with stress, brandished a firearm, and was promptly slapped by Mr. XXX. Details following are unclear, but the reference to $2 was purportedly yelled as an insult relating to sexual favors and misconstrued as an offer to buy the business.

A client of Bear Stearns, XXX, who was visiting his fiancé in New York, quickly calmed the situation down and pushed to accept the offer on behalf of the group. With all parties stunned by the news, a police officer offered to notarize a napkin and make it official.

“I got the call, and there was chaos in the background,” says XXX, a renown player in the poker group. “I think XXX said that I didn’t need to ante for three or four games, and then we will own Bear Stearns. What else could I say? I was in.”

Plans for Bear Stearns and all of Wall Street are uncertain at this time, but rest assured that assets will be pimped.