Adeo Ressi

MARCH 18, 2008 - NEW YORK, NEW YORK: In an unprecedented move, Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernanke, has commandeered the assets of eTrade for $0.25 per share, converting 12,567 eTrade ATM machines across the US into instant loan machines. Initially designed as a move to help thousands of out of work bankers quickly borrow cash against their declining asset values to pay interest on home equity and car loans, the Fed decided early today to use the ATM network to loan anyone money.

The plan works as follows. Go to an authorized ATM, enter a six digit code number of your choosing, and withdraw up to $1,000 per day. Borrowers must be present on United States soil for the time being, but the Fed is working  to implement a worldwide borrowing network through any Cirrus ATM machine. Concerns about the need for collateral and the ability to arbitrarily use any six digit code have been tabled for the next Fed meeting on August 27, 2008.

“A lot of thought was placed into how we would ensure that the bankers themselves would receive the loans to pay for their various personal debt repayment obligations,” said Mr. Bernake in a statement issued to the media. “As we tackled this largely technical problem, we realized that we were overlooking the opportunity to loan anyone money, regardless of ethnic, racial, or economic prejudice – even citizenship. In our Declaration of Independence and after studying the Great Depression, the other Board Members and myself have determined that we are not a prejudicial nation.”

Lines around the country have started cuing at ATM machines. A man only referred to by his first name, Jose, was seen leaving an ATM carry a duffle bag. “I took $15,000 from the machine, and I am now walking around to the front door to pay my mortgage. It’s very convenient to be able to withdraw at the same location where I need to pay.”